I hate hospitals. What I hate even more is seeing my friend in pain in the hospital. But what put the icing on the cake was seeing someone I had once dated in the same room visiting her. He’s a friend of hers and I’m not bothered by that. But what bothers me is that he’s someone I despise. Someone who once called me names and gestured at me in a physical manner. I didn’t feel awkward this time since we were there for a mutual friend, but his presence always brings up old memories I rather forget.
But to put it all in perspective, seeing my friend in the hospital made me feel like shit from the past will just have to stay in the past. Staying in the moment and appreciating those around me is what is more important and where my energy needs to be. It’s crazy this is probably the second time where I’ve seen a good friend experience pain in a way that I don’t wish to ever experience myself or anyone else for that matter. It’s hard to see a friend in pain, emotionally and/or physically. So go give someone you care about a hug. It will be appreciated.
It’s been a long year to say the least with new beginnings, endings, laugher, tears, and endless memories. I think this is the first year in a while where I really just learned to enjoy the moment and be myself. It’s been a tough journey and of course there is still many corners to turn and hoops to jump, but I’m happy. I’m happy because I’ve accomplished things I didn’t think I would and experienced things I never have. I’m happy for the family and friends who have supported me near and far. I’m looking forward to the new year with anticipation and with hope. xoxo
…like to talk or grip about work here, but today I feel compelled. As I sat down with a friend for a drink, I realize just how deeply effected I am with the work I do. Case in point, yesterday, as I left work, all I wanted to do was go home and hit the gym hard (and I did). I felt icky, I felt gross, I just didn’t want to feel whatever was inside me because it was putting me in a bad mood. I didn’t realize it until I sat down today with a friend to process yesterday’s drama at the school that that was what effected me. The stories my kids tell me. My experience of their feelings. In the moment, I don’t realize it, but what comes afterwards lets me know just how deeply traumatized, hurt, and neglected some of my little clients feel. I’m an adult and I find my ways to cope, but the little ones aren’t built to cope with stressors like these…and they shouldn’t. As parents and caregivers, one should protect them from these awful things, but then again, how much of these young parents and caregivers exposed to? This cycle is awful and being in the midst of it takes a toll on my soul.
Haven’t written in a long while, so I thought I share.
There’s been an on-going theme of people cheating lately, not in my own personal life, but with people around me. Not one, not two, but three that I have known so far! We see enough on the news about celebrities doing the dirty, but when it’s people you know, it hits me a different way. It gets me thinking about relationships, people’s insecurities, values, karma, and why people continue to be in those relationships after they have found out. I feel like at my age, there isn’t room to tolerate such behaviors. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks like me and continues to stay in their misery because that is what they know. Instead of dealing with the pain, they rather just deal with the person because they also know what to expect.
Yesterday, 1/27/12 needs to be permanently marked on my calendar. Why? I am finally done. After all the hoops and hurdles going through my graduate program, dissertation process, internships, post-doc, board exams, and state exam…I have finally reached the end of the tunnel. I can see the FUCKING light! I came out of the exam yesterday in a state of daze and confusion. Before I was able to fully walk out of the exam room, the guy at the desk mouthed to me, you passed. I was besides myself and at the same time, I didn’t know how to feel. My years of blood, sweat, and tears have finally paid off and in that moment, it just felt overwhelming. I didn’t cry, but do know, I was one giddy-ass bitch!
Afterwards, I wanted to go reward myself with a new outfit or something, but I felt a little numb and kinda high at the same time that I couldn’t even concentrate. I had a lot of thoughts running through my head and the one thing that kept repeating itself was “What am I going to do with my free time now?” The possibilities are endless and that made me feel really good, like REALLY good. I have the time now, so I’m just going to relax and slowly take it in.
While having dinner last night with a friend, we happened to sit next to a couple who were celebrating their 56th anniversary. I couldn’t help but overhear as they toasted each other over champagne. I congratulated them and we began to have a conversation as they became interested in us and thought we should be on this food critic show. It was sweet and endearing. Katy looked like an older version of Hilary Clinton and John looked like Jimmy Carter. They traveled everywhere to celebrate and last night, they were celebrating right next to us. I sat there, halfway intoxicated, envisioning having that one day. He continued the night sipping on some Hennessy while she continued with her wine. It was a good night and in good company.
I met this 4-year old boy name Aiden last night while waiting to be seated at La Piñata. He came in with his Superman costume on and he instantly stole my heart. He was overly excited and quite friendly and in my professional opinion a little loose with his boundaries, but he was too cute. He proceeded to beatbox and stripped his costume down to show me his little Alaskan t-shirt. At one point, he grabbed my arm to get my attention, only to whisper in my ear to ask if my friend’s phone had games in it.
He was accompanied by his 2 year old sister and his grandparents. How did I know? The kid would tell me anything! The grandmother held him down, trying to keep him by her side so he wasn’t in my space. He gave me a little pout and then a wave. He asked his grannie, “So I can’t talk to her?” Grannie’s response, “You can still talk to her.” But at this point, he knew, he wasn’t really suppose to talk to strangers. I sat there thinking, if we were in different parts of the town, this never would have really played out. I work with the rough kids, the kids who don’t have much social skills, and the kids who are suspicious and hypervigilent about things…going up to strangers and being in their space is not in their realm, unless they have some really poor and weird boundaries. It’s like their innocence is lost/stolen. The 4-year old beatboxin’ Aiden reminded me that innocence still exists.